12 December, 2011

The Subtle Winds Of Change...

I sit here in my over-sized comfy tee listening to the wind wreak havoc on the plants outside. I keep the drapes down but the all-permeating chill still manages to creep through me, an involuntary shiver running through my hunched up body. I can’t call him either, he’s too far, too removed from my life now.

I reach out for the teddy bear mug, my favorite, and find myself thinking how clichéd it is. All my adult life I have been defending myself from being categorized as ‘girly’ but almost every possession of mine screams out ‘girly’ in not-so-dulcet tones. 

But I don’t faint when I see cute actors, I get excited with shopping only if the time is right, I don’t have to try to NOT be blonde. I detest pink, I don’t like taking photos of myself because I look dreadful in all of them, I definitely do not go squeaky… but maybe that’s a thought for another day.

The milky coffee is hot enough to burn my tongue just a little bit. I like it that way. I never could stand lukewarm anything. It’s either boiling hot or freezing. It’s all or nothing. My thoughts wander. The cursor blinks awaiting instructions like a tiny little genie awaiting orders.

Silence. Silence as loud as a rock concert. It seems to be pressing at me from all sides. But somehow I like it.

I relish solitude these days. I like being by myself. I like the silence that solitude brings with it. I seem to have changed somehow. Planes shifting within me, subtly changing who I am, what I stand for.

I seem to have left behind the version 1.0 and evolved into someone else, version 2.0 perhaps. The old me would have been miserable without anyone to talk to, without a life outside this life. She would have cried lonely tears, ranted and raved till she got what she wanted. Till all became well with the world. But me?  I’m happy satisfied with what I have. I stop expecting, I stop reacting. I wait for it to come to me before I make a decision, rather than be trade markedly impulsive.

Maybe this was always me and I hid behind who I wanted to be.
Maybe this was a change that was a process rather than a happening.
Maybe it’s my reaction to all that happened this year, good and bad.
I know not and I’m proud to say I care not, either.

I still love chocolate, though, much to my own surprise and nobody else’s. A Milkybar Choo can still make me smile even in the loneliest of times. Maybe I haven’t changed that much after all.

And this one goes out to someone who'll know it's for them: 

"You should not try to force someone to be with you,
especially when you know that your being there doesn't make a difference."
- as tweeted by Red Handed

P.S: I'd promised myself I wouldn't write abstract posts. This, I couldn't help. Bear with me.
P.S: It's not sadness, it's melancholy.


  1. Why did you promise not to write abstract? you write it beautifully. I could almost feel everything that you had written and sometimes abstract makes perfect sense.Some days are like that , but even this will pass away.

  2. Aww PeeVee, what a wonderful post :) I could connect instantly!! :)
    Welcome aboard, and trust me this phase is the bestestestest :D Loved this one a lott !! :)

  3. Hey Pevee..it makes sense..so not too abstract for me...for the way life comes to be, writing them in a simple language, may just make "Life" feel bad...so abstractness gets justified..
    it's good if u can trace changes happening, that's a big thing to find out too...loved the quote u shared, tweeted by Redhanded...lovely..makes so much of sense..
    Happy cozy December!

  4. like the rambling... blogs gives you an ample space to pen down your inner world :)

    Weakest LINK

  5. :)

    Melancholy is bliss sometimes. Sadness, not..may be...But how do we know which one is which.. ? :P

    Liked the bit..where you compare the hotness of a coffee with your all or nothing attitude... :)

    Enjoy the melancholy...while it lasts. :)

    The catch is..it can go as soon as you start enjoying it! :P

  6. I'm not very good with being on my own. I wish I was more sometimes.

  7. This too will pass and your solitude is probably your heart's way of healing.. take care.

  8. you know peevee..in a way..it is such moments..that probably make us realise..maybe we have grown up..maybe the change is for the good..sometimes..life moulds us that way..and maybe we should just flow along..and let it grow on us..
    Nothing wrong in being your own person..
    Nothing bad about enjoying the solitude..
    At times..spending time with ourselves..is probably better than being lost in a crowd..

    We invest so much time, energy and all our heart in loving someone else so much..that somewhere down the line we forget that one person whom we should love the most..THE SELF

    maybe through this you will emerge a stronger person..
    And the new year will bring loads of goodness with it..

    I guess i spoke some bleh out here..
    But having gone through this phase..i can i guess relate to you..

    Cheers love..:)

  9. @ Sunitha, because too many people write abstract and philosophy all the time:) Really? Thank you so much:)
    Hopefully, soon. Before I decide to renounce the world and make my way to the Himalayas or something:D

    @ Twisha, really? But it feels so.... bleh:|

    @ Aakriti, :) I like that, your justification for abstractness...
    I loved it too:)
    You too, lovely...

    @ Rachit, yes, they do.

    @ Kunal, sadness is sad, melancholy is not sad, its...something else:P I know, 'brilliant' explanation I have.
    Actually, I'd rather it passes sooner than later, for it feels like I'm suspended in limbo now:|
    Thank you!:)

    @ Mark, it can be soothing sometimes, but you need to be of a certain temperament or you just end up feeling lonely.

    @ Bhargavi, thank you:)

    @ Kittycat:), exactly, I felt like I just grew up and became an adult...or something... It doesn't make too much sense but I don't want to question it much.
    And that's a lot of philosophy, Kittycat:) Maybe you should write abstract yourself?:)

  10. It is not sadness, it's melancholy :)

    We can never define ourselves. 'Me' has a dynamic definition it changes each time. Only sadness will be if you are the same each time.

    Good Day!

  11. I like abstract posts. They leave a lot to my imagination and I can continue the story in my head :)
    This reminded me of myself. I relish solitude. I love being on my own. Even in a group I sometimes find myself drifting away and becoming an observer. I dont know if that's good or bad!
    "I know not and I’m proud to say I care not, either."
    Loved that line :)

  12. YOU.SHOULD.NOT.STOP.WRITING.ABSTRACT.Its one the things about your writing that I like the most !!!!!! Don't you stop it!

    A few of the above thoughts do come to me sometimes and I think I know what's going on with because this happened to me sometime back.. The change is for good. Trust me life becomes less complicated this way.. :)

  13. You surprised me with this post. I guess for the first time I read this kind of a post from you. May be because it's not your forte. But trust me, it would be a foolish thing to restrain yourself from doing something of which you have command. This is one thing for you. :)

    And yes, silence, sometimes is as loud as a rock concert. I AGREE!

    And I so long for such periods of introspection. They let us feel the change in and around. And like you said, "Maybe this was always me and I hid behind who I wanted to be." These questions do pop up when one relishes solitude.

    Brilliant post, Peevee. :) :)

  14. I like reading abstract posts even though i don't know hw to write one...loved reading it, so much so that i cud almost visualize it happening.

  15. I just somehow totally connect to this with all my heart..

    I frown when people tell me I've changed however deep down I do know I have.
    And only a few things manage to convince me that I still haven't changed all that much:)

    Life is never stable.. And sometimes, it isn't so difficult to walk away especially when you know it doesn't hurt as much as it should have..

    I heart the post :)

  16. "I relish solitude these days. I like being by myself. I like the silence that solitude brings with it. I seem to have changed somehow. Planes shifting within me, subtly changing who I am, what I stand for."

    I somehow found these lines to be explaining my state deep inside. Melancholy I should rather not talk.. I liked the post.. Bring out whatever is there inside :) Do take care :)


  17. It's beautiful is what it is, is what it is. :)

  18. B E A U T I F U L!

    Perhaps, that sums it all from my side. I am so so touched, I just do not have the right words (please excuse me for that).

    God Bless you PeeVee!

  19. What a beautiful way to share thoughts! ..loved it! :)
    The same situation happens with many of us.. as the same with me too..

    Sometimes I feel that I'm changed so much but then I realize..this is not me ..! and feel loneliness and helpless..

    I can relate myself with your words..
    Glad I visited here :)

  20. Awesome post PeeVee. I don't know what sane reason could there be for you to promise yourself not to write abstract posts.I am in a similar kind of phase and so I could connect so well with your post.. Please continue writing such posts..

  21. beautifully written peeves. well worded. i read it twice.

    u know, i've been there. inside that exact same thought bubble. i dint have a teddy bear mug though.

    and i loved the too hot or too cold, all or nothing wala part. nice metaphor. :)

  22. Wonderful abstract. Please do write abstracts often. Self questioning gives us more inner peace and a warmth that no one else can give us. I hate melancholy but have learnt to come to terms with it:)

  23. PeeVee this is good.. there's nothing wrong with abstract words.. We love it..and you have a flair.. this is nice :)

  24. Solitude.... :)
    I really could relate to this one...
    And the picture is really very good... it speaks a thousand words..!!

  25. I loved the whole feel of this.. Especially the line silence as loud as a rock concert... Nice one PV :)

  26. Your abstract posts such as this are the most beautiful. And stop saying you dont photograaph well because you do. :P

    Solitude can be very good for oneself sometimes, gives time to retrospect. :)

  27. Your abstract posts such as this one are the most beautiful. :) Stop saying you dont photograph well because you do look super pretty :P

    And solitude can sort of be good for the soul sometimes because it gives you space to retrospect.

  28. "I stop expecting, I stop reacting."
    LIFE CHANGES US..but I think it is for better. But you know what my love, we always think we stopped expecting but secretly we continue to expect and then we get a direct kick in the heart reminding us of our fault, but we continue expecting. Yes we do stop reacting coz it makes no difference to them. We secretly give up on them.
    FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS..all get so doubtful.. Defining them becomes impossible. The simplest things in life get so complex.

    You wrote beautifully and I should tell you that you wrote my heart out. Thankyou so very much. Continue writing abstrats coz it has got you in it. HUGS!

    And that tweet, was written by me in one of the darkest times, hen I thought I lost someone I dont want to ever let go off, but tht person did not let go of me....atleast not yet. I hav stopped being a positive person coz that seems like a synonym to EXPECT something...

  29. It's funny that this post comes at a time when I'm sitting alone in my room, and trying to make peace with the fact that I'm sitting alone in my room.

    The only catch? Now that i've tasted happiness once, i dont know how to settle for just satisfied. Help!

  30. Happy to nominate you for the Versatile Blogger PeeVee! Check it out below!


  31. Isnt it an amazing feeling and you see the way you evolve with time.. somethings cling on.. somethings fade.. but its still you, nevertheless. Its whats around you and within.. slowly molding you to be the best that you can be. This is a wonderful post... and I like the way you have resonated it with a personal touch... and how chocolate is still a part of you. May it always be... :)

  32. this one was a AAA battery...Absract Amazing Awesome...:-) all charged up,huh???

  33. :) nothing's changing, this is you, always were. real serenity is only obtained in unaccompanied solace. this phase will come and go, but you do sound awfully down though. what is it?

    and ps. you should alter that promise you made to yourself. wonderful post.

  34. Do you have a puny recorder somewhere stealing my thoughts?? ;)

    Man, this post is so so me. ME!

    Everyword, including the Milkybar choo one. I don't know whom you wrote this for, but when I read this I see me. Sigh!

    And the tweet by Red. OMG! That woman is a genius with words. A simple sentence can have so much depth. Hats off Red seriously :)

    PeeVee, if there is someone who truly deserves the 'Versatile Blogger' award its you my lady. You excel, I repeat, you excel and every single topic under the sun.

    Love you for this post. Muaaah!

  35. I felt poetry in what you have written and you know what I can totally relate to the part where you said that your possessions screamed you being girly and yet at the same time your actions were different then the normal girly girls... I am the same... it was a wonderful read :) and I think you should write such posts, I think one should rite what one is feeling because its then that we pen down some gems :) :)

  36. @ Sam, hmmm, I like that. Only sadness will be, without change.
    Thank you:)

    @ phatichar, ??

    @ Chandana, it's good when you're happy with your own company, atleast you don't depend on others:)
    Thank you:)

    @ Em, really? Thank you:)
    Hopefully, it does...

    @ Vinati, yes, first abstract that I dared post:) Thank you...

    @ Ria, they are just random thoughts in a coherent paragraph, no biggie, if I can, you can too:)
    Thank you:)

    @ Priyanka Kamath, so glad you did:)
    Thanks girlie:)

    @ Tanvi, thank you :)

    @ Isha, :D really? I heart your work but too chicken to comment:)

    @ Animesh Ganguly, thank you so much and double thanks for sharing it as well.

    @ Simran, thank you Madame:)
    And welcome to my little space..

    @ Keia, hee hee, thanks:)

    @ kalpak, fellow Arian trait?
    Thank you:)

    @ Cloud Nine, thank you Madame:)

    @ Shreya Z, thanks love..

    @ Madhulika, thanks:) I loved it too at first sight:)

    @ Prithvi, thanks man:)

    @ Sonshu, this was my first darls, HAHA, thanks:)

    @ Red, oh my, I really got through to deserve such a long comment, didn't I?:)
    Why does that sound so familiar? Why do we NOT stop expecting even as we try like crazy?
    Beautiful thought, Madame:) *respect*
    Thank YOU so much:)

    That tweet was so goddamn perfect for me, I had to use it.

    @ Shreya, sometimes it's crazy how parallel some people's paths are.

    Damn, that was exactly what I typed out and then deleted o_O
    And happiness will come. As soon as you stop expecting and move on with everything else, happiness comes.

    @ Sowmya, thank you so much:)

    @ Dee, sweetest wish ever:) :*

    @ Rahul, more like sobered down:D

    @ br|sh, :) nobody else perceived that. Dark time it was, now the clouds have lifted. Thanks for asking:) I love you for that.

    @ Soumya, :D lol I wish. Then I would know when you're coming back na:)
    Thanks love:) You make my day with your comments <3

    @ Purvi, so are we girly or not, I have yet to work that one out:)
    Thank you so much:)

  37. This is one post, where PS wasn't needed :P And Tweet by Red Handed was cherry on the top to the post <3

    I too didn't want to be girly, but can you take a woman out of a woman? I doubt! I might be the only girl who never bought a Teddy Bear....I rarely bought soft toys and dolls...

    I too wear over sized T-Shirts :)

    And, this is what I expect when I come here...I expect "you"

    Much Love


  38. @ Chintan, thank you so much, Madame :)<3

  39. While reading the whole post, I had this weird serious/sad expression, but after reading the last chocolate line, ha-ha that gave me a wide smile :)
    You know PeeVee, I get so much attracted to your blog, I know I wasn't around that much, but I kept reading your posts.

  40. hello Pee Vee!
    am an amatuer in bloggin n hav been followin a few random blogs lately!
    U r one of the 'first-to-read' blogs on my list!
    n I absolutely love this post.
    rite frm differentiating myself as nt being a 'girly-girl' and thn swifly movin on to soltitude moments! :D
    I completely relate to it!
    wonderful!! :D


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