09 February, 2012

Letting Go

I hold onto the railing, not very tight though. The scene below mesmerizes me... True, the view from the heights is beautiful, breathtaking. I see twinkling lights, all but ants to me, whizzing along with their own agenda, to their own time. The wind whooshes through my hair, making me heady with feeling, filling my lungs up with pure, unadulterated euphoria. 


I wonder. What it'll feel like. To let go. To feel the hurt, the pain, the desolation. To have darkness creep in and rob my ability to feel happy, to smile. To let go of all that kept me safe, all that I love and find comfort in and plunge unto the crevasse that sucking me in slowly even otherwise.  To have my brains splattered all over the pavement. 


Then I laugh at my own brainlessness, how will I feel when I don't got no life?  


But then, you know what will be worth it? The split second that I'm whooshing down. The split second in which my whole life supposedly flashes across my mind's eye. The swift flash of my lithe body down the side of the building that will make my eyes water, I'm sure that's the closest I will ever get to flying. I'm delighted at the thought. 


I can almost see myself, body prone on the asphalt, limbs askew, my new Levi's Curve ID splattered with my own B+, the smile on my face; can you smile in death, I wonder?  Maybe they'll have an investigation, maybe they'll bring in Beckett. Maybe Richard will come too. 
HAH! I have been wasting too much time on the telly. Time that I should have spent planning this better, I think.


I contemplate once more, all that I am leaving behind. Its a raw deal for I can see their tears of shock and desolation, I hurt inside for them, for the pain I will cause to them. I know I must have done something right to deserve that much. But the raw deal is a done deal for me. What must be done, must be done.


Deep breath. 
Clammy hands.
One last look down.


Letting the cold metal go. 


The whoosh never came. 
I look back up, shivering with the impact of what I was going to do. 
I see your face. 


"I'm never letting go, even if you do."


P.S: I have NO clue what this is all about. 

60 comments:

  1. haha :D even I couldn't make much sense out of this but it was a delight. Your words always are :)
    I haven't watched castle after the first season, will catch up :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you... You haven't? Damn girl, it just got awesome-r from there :)

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    2. I'm digging 'Supernatural' ;)
      And from what I know of you, you really really will love the plot.
      The first season demanded patience but second season onwards it was hard to keep it. :)
      Watch it for sure :)

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  2. Well the end made sense at least. Someone was going to jump, but at the end someone grabbed hold and refused to let go. I think it was great :)

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    1. I think you *get* my abstracts more than most people, Mark :)

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  3. Jesus girl! Are u allright?!
    So much stuff you got in here. I said 'stuff' coz m not getting the actual word. And the last line..about not letting go. touched!

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    1. :D I'm fine... no personal reflections here, even if there are, they are rhetoric.

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  4. This sort of reminds me of what I had written recently.

    If Kate were to solve my murder, I would jump off this moment :D and FYI that still counts as a score in my books :P.

    Refreshing and light take on the suicide conundrum, loved the satire mix of the dark stuff + humor. Nice to read your post after a mini hiatus of sorts.

    Keep `em coming Bud.

    Cheers :)

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    Replies
    1. Yeah... Suicide. But this wasn't about actual dying, I think :)
      :D et tu crushing on Kate? Shoulda known :P
      Thanks!:)

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  5. I'll tell you the truth Peevee, I didn't get it the first time. Silly me :)
    I got confused at "I look back up"

    "I can almost see myself, body prone on the asphalt....-----. Maybe Richard will come too." < this is why you are PeeVee the great!

    Good Job!

    Sorry have not been commenting nowadays, i do read your posts though. BTW m not talking to you, you did not attend my blog's birthday party last month.. hhmph

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isokie... I'm not being a model blogger myself :P
      Thank you...


      I'm so sorry :( Whole of Jan and Feb have been not posting much months for me :\ So very sorry..

      Delete
  6. In the movie,Margin call,Paul Bettany goes up to his office rooftop,looks down at the sheer drop below and says "You know the feeling people experience when they stand on a ledge like this,it isn't a fear of falling.Its the fear that they might jump":D

    Your post reminded me of that:-)Its quite true actually.I sometimes wonder too:-)
    Nice read.

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    1. I think that something about the concept of death draws the human mind to dwell upon it frequently. Especially the part where it has the right take it's own life. How else can this fascination be explained?
      Thanks:)

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  7. I have had these moments as well.You are sure that you are going to let go this time and then that one bond pops into your mind and your take back your steps!

    You know even when my blogger has no update by "PeeVee" i keep coming back to your blog to check if i missed something!

    Write some more !! :-)

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    Replies
    1. :) so many times that every time I feel this, it's like deja vu.

      Will do...

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  8. aaaaaaah..!!
    machi..this post reminded of something similar written by ATROCIUOS...
    nice this..mmmm....its only in some decisive moments that we end up seeing our whole life infront of us..
    and yes..its very very important you know...to always keep your loved ones close to you..in heart..it will stop you from taking rash decisions which you would regret later..
    cheers!!

    PS..the PS was super..bleh :D:D:D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Uh huh. Similar stories but different contexts :)
      Thanks eh :P

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  9. B Positive. ;-)


    PS: My blood group, by the way. :P

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  10. So abstract.. I too dunno what to make of it:D..but m still writing:P haha..Peevee...Mera blog makeover??:P :/

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  11. Is it okay that I absolutely loved this? Call me crazy if you wish.

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  12. Ahhh I love the Castle reference :P

    Honestly, I didn't get it the first time, but then I read it again and understood.
    Love it!

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  13. I am acrophobic and trust me, the whole idea of looking down from heights scares.. Got a chill down my spine after reading this.:(((((

    I feel it so scary and absurd... the whole point of suicide...
    Your words have so much power re.. really... very well put.. told ya, it really got me tensed..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww... I'm sure John won't mind protecting you from the scary heights :)
      Thank you :)

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  14. It's a thought many like to ponder upon - how would it be actually jump? But some go ahead and do it. Don't they all long to be held back before they could kill themselves?

    Nice read. :D

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    1. I read somewhere that suicide victims always were cries for attention gone unnoticed. Thanks.

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  15. Cant say I understood everything.. But as far I did.. I was little scary that some one wants to jump and wants to die.. But anyway it was a relief at the end ...

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    1. It was a little too abstract, agreed :)

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  16. The brave stand still and face everything that life chucks at them .. SO the end of this article made all the sense and WELL DONE...

    so well done on the lovely article ... liked reading it
    Bikram's

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  17. A masterpiece! At first, I though you had reflected an abstract feeling, but at the end it was more than abstract. I formed a vision as I went on with your post and it was totally worth it :)

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    1. You got the essence then.. I imagined the whole post in my head before I could pen it down, Keia...:)

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  18. I have had such thoughts many times :P

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    1. Now you have me thinking if it's a good idea, at all :P

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  19. Well good thing....she did find someone who didn't let go of her....:-) Interesting post though..and lovely narration..Very well crafted..

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  20. Its called 'Geronimo' - when you just feel like you can fly and you jump - you're not thinking what would happen, you're not thinking what'll happen next, you're not thinking how it'll all end...

    But you're thinking that now that u've jumped, its gonna give u wings n make u fly...

    and u're happy in that thought...

    like Mel sez, "it's called love...."


    Happy V Day, PeeVee!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Much like Peter Pan? :P
      Thanks:) Hope you had yourself a good one..

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  21. I'm glad you added the disclaimer in the end...thought I was missing something...you could always refer to it as stream of consciousness writing like they did years ago...just follow that train of thought wherever it goes! :)

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    1. Exactly... It came to me out of the blue and I just had to write it down:)

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  22. You have recieved an award (probably one you have receieved tons of times already)But humor me. Check here. ajournalcalledlife.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
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    1. :) Thank you so much.... Never ceases to send frissons of pleasure though :)

      Delete
  23. Gosh ! that was intense.. u r okay? But yeah, the split second when this thought crosses the mind must be crazy exhilarating !

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    1. Nothing personal, Madame:) Must be.... I want to once.. without jumping off of course :P

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  24. I liked the post and its flow of words...It's okei dear even if you don't have a clue...

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  25. that post confused me but came to know some other side of u . I may be talking crazy but i say what i feel.

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    1. The dark side:P I wasn't aware it has started peeking out :D

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  26. Okay, if Castle is coming, then you gotta jump! :P
    I'm sure you'll jump back to life when he comes! Okay, just kidding! Man, I'll jump 10 times over to see him! :D
    But this all doesn't resonate with what's happening in your life, right?
    This happens na? At times, all such dark and murky stuff comes and you have to write it?
    Okay! *hugs* to make such grumpy moods flee! Take care, girlie! :D

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    Replies
    1. I'm actually scared that I just might!!:D I have become obsessed :P Thanks love..

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  27. Hmmm.... sometimes, if the writing DISTURBS the reader, it is called effective. This one was damn effective - you okay, dudette? ATW .... am just waiting for Becket and Castle to kiss each other already! LOVE them both! And don't fret - you too! Take care!

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    1. I'm fine, Madame... Just a flow... imagery that I tried to capture:) Thank you so much:)

      I know!! Stoopid them :\ Been so long, why don't they just go out already -_-

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  28. buitiful yaar.so genuinely written

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  29. The artist’s job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence-Midnight In Paris

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    1. Was that for me or the person in the story? :)

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