22 April, 2014

S - Secret


So let me tell you one. I have another online identity.

You remember a time I was all depressed and I couldn’t string together two sentences together that would make sense because I lost my muse? And then that phase wore on into one of anger against some people? You didn’t notice? Yeah, that’s because I decided this place, this blog, has become so sacred to me that I wouldn’t want to desecrate it with bitching and negativity. Some of it did spill over here but I managed to contain majority of it, so no damage done.

So made myself a nice little nook, online. I don’t follow anyone. No one follows me. And that is the one place, the one thing that has really seen me as me. The stark naked truth without the layers of paint I put on for the sake of seeming normal to society. I wonder if there is another soul who knows me as well. I don’t obsess over what I write there, no pictures, no nothing. I’m not regular, don’t feel the need to be. I generally don’t talk about people. Just plain honesty, written when it is something I can’t share with people – moments of doubt, insecurity, pain. And once I’m done posting, I’m slightly happier, the load usually lifts.

While on most days I am not bothered, there are times when I’m terrified that someone I know will find it.  

Then why am I sharing its existence here? Because it was a toss between sex and secret for ‘S’ and I still haven’t made up my mind about the former. Heehee. Jokes apart, I’m sharing it here because I want your opinion on something: while I don’t have too many deep, dark secrets in my life that at least a couple of people don’t know about, I still don’t trust my own judgement to take a person, another human being, into complete confidence. As need be, I do show my vulnerabilities, but never completely and never to one person. 

What does that say about me? Normal? Or major trust issues? 

11 comments:

  1. Who am I tell give an answer to this when I myself an anonymous writer especially when it contains no secrets!
    There is nothing weird in what u did. U actually even posted tht u have another place u write in once. I remember that.
    and regarding trust issues, I am glad u r like that. Better than putting ur confidence on the wrong people and getting hurt. right? And u will shed ur inhibitions before someone who is really worth it. Till then, be the same! :)

    I REALLY REALLY DO NOT GET NOTIFICATIONS FOR UR POSTS!

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    1. True that, I'd rather be mistrustful than break my own heart,... thanks love..

      Whatchu using to follow? GFC is a little screwy these days..

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  2. No issue there.. I am exactly like you! :)
    Except, I have a secret diary where I write all my secrets, even I am scared someone might find it sometime!

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    1. That's exactly why I don't pen it down on paper! When I used to I was terrified someone might read it.

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  3. yesss shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh to secrets.. there is a reason why they are secrets .. because they aught to be :)

    I have been here after a very veryyyyyyyyyyy long time ..

    Bikram

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    1. :) Loooong time, Mr. B. How have you been?

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  4. Nothing's the issue. As you know, I have just done that recently. Sometimes, we all need a little space and time where nothing but our self exists. The self will be the critic and the self will be the receiver of the criticism. Same goes with happy moments too. That inner circle where none but us is present - We all need that.

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    1. I think I should stop beating myself up for wanting some space, I guess....

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  5. aah i have a secret one too..hush hush. i cant share myself wholly to anyone.

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    1. Like Red said, better that way than to give yourself to someone wholly and have them misuse the trust that comes with it.

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  6. S for Secret sex? :P bad joke bad joke

    Secrets are always exciting, that nervous bliss...One thing I realized was a secret is a secret only till you keep it to yourself. Even if you tell it to ONE person (most trustworthy). . .it is bound to spread today or tomorrow..

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Whatchu thinkin'?