Open Letter To God

Dear God saar,

I hope this finds you in hale & hearty and as merry as can be (under the circumstances, considering how complicated it must be to run the world and all that, you know). How’s Mrs. God doing? I admire that you guys have been together for so long, kudos. Any tips on how to keep the boat from rocking?

I have been feeling guilty, actually, it’s been quite some time since I came to see you; what with dressing up in a ton of gold (Mallu that I am) and a floor-cleaner skirt, enduring all the guys (who seem to come there with the sole intention of calling me ‘kutty’) and the pujari going all chattar-pattar and spewing mantras faster than the Hogwarts Express, I find my inclination to drop in receding. Hence, the letter. Direct communication is always the most effective – or so my teacher says (you know you have seen me listening, no need to smirk).

Either way, I’m one of those few who believed that you actually did tear open the thoon (beam) to prove Prahlad right and instill in us that you have security cameras everywhere – we get it, we can’t get away with anything. So even if I don’t pay you a visit, doesn’t mean you don’t know how funky my life is na.

No demands for myself this time. You have been lavish with The Stuff the last couple of years. Nothing else explains good grades without much effort and a sudden manifestation of writing powers. Not to forget a marked decrease in the number of times I have tripped over buckets and fallen flat on my face in front of hot guys. And you decided that I’d had enough punishment and brought Mum back as well. Muchas gracias, truly. (STOP SMIRKING; don’t make me take it back!)

Just a few, erm, pointers. Make arrangements for the final year to contain the least amount of drama possible, please. You have given me amazing levels of tolerance but I have a feeling that I’m running out of stock. Also, give me the patience that I lack severely (I specify, for the good of others).

Another thing, please make Mum a little less hyper so that I don’t have to be sneaky when I need to go somewhere long-distance; you have given me the coolest Mum in every other way, so why not this as well, should be cheese-cake for you na? While you are at it, is there any way you could do a little memory-erasing there? You know, just a quick doo-hickey on the bad ones? She’ll be happier for it and you know more than me that she deserves it. And I know it’s too soon but do make sure the kids (note: my siblings) get all the opportunities I had in school and a great many more.  

Show Nandu the right way, please? The one where he can work with his feet on the table, ‘Ask VG’ open in one window and ‘God of War’ on the other and still come home early to me. I also wouldn’t mind a nice plum job at the end of this year; I want so much more for these four than I can give them now, so very, very much more. You are the one who put me in their lives, you should know.

I do believe that you have deprived of me of some stuff only because you have much better in store, don’t let me down on that one. And prevent me from doing anything stupid (you think I don’t know about the little devil-angel trick you play when I make a decision? Shame on you, trying to muddle me up).  

One thing – You have my support on the Armageddon/ Pralay/2012 issue. We humans are becoming too big a pain in the wrong place – what with all the bombings, rapes, corruptions and attention-seekings. It’d do us some good to go extinct, and then maybe we’ll gain some perspective.

I had a somewhat impertinent query - doesn’t St.Peter get bored sitting around all day at the pearly gates? Just asking. Anyway, have you seen Delhi Belly? It’s supposed to be a riot. Do go watch if you get any time off from all the lok srishti, sthithi, samhara routine.

I know you don’t like mush-routines but just wanted to tell you that you are doing a great job (don’t say we don’t appreciate you, now). Convey my regards to Madame. Or rather, have her look me up on Facebook and I’ll tell her myself.

Love and hugs,

Me.