25 November, 2011

Le.One

There's this guy...

Politically incorrect. Brazen. Cheeky. Hilarious. Unapologetic. Handsome. Shameless.
Likes to dream that he's God's gift to womankind. 
Writes like a pro. Each individual post makes us howl. With laughter.
Still blank? This one should reveal all.
Obsessive about poop.

Yes, eternally cocky and wonderful blogger, Kalpak has decided to grace my space, guest post for me and shamelessly steal my followers (while I ignore the fact that it was ME who asked HIM to:P). 
He's someone who doesn't sugar-coat so you can rest assured that the rare compliment that comes out of his mouth, he actually means.  
And his language is impeccable. Makes me wonder why men like Atrocious Scribblings and him don't think of writing books. Or at least regular columns, articles.

Anyway, I'll shut up now and hand it over to him. 
This is a very, very typical Kalpak-post, make sure you have enough space to roll around and tissues to wipe off tears of mirth.

One advice: When your mother reads in the newspaper that Sunny Leone is going to enter the Big Boss house and she asks you ''beta, who's this Sunny Leone?'', please think a hundred times before you reply ''tch, Sunny Leone maaaaaaa''. There is but no cover up for it. It might be obvious for your peers to know Sunny Leone, but not your parents. And your ma definitely isn't stupid enough to buy 'I thought you meant Sunny Deol'

For the uninitiated, this is Sunny Leone of the Bigg Boss fame
But this incident of Sunny Leone in Big Boss house has made me realize that porn stars are people too, and good people. I recently read her interview in a newspaper and got curious about her career life. I did some background check of hers and found out she has a nice ass.

But unlike in the US, I don't think we Indians would ever be capable of looking at porn as a genuine profession and at porn stars as people.

Following is an actual incidence that occurred with me once:

I was at a friend's place and he had got some new porn, so we were watching it.

ME: Isn't this the same girl who was in that My Sister's Hot Friend wala movie?

FRIEND: Hmmmm. I don't know re. Maybe.

*Girl in the movie takes off her bra*

BOTH TOGETHER: Yup, she's the one.

See what I mean.

But it is amazing that a hardcore porn star has come to India and has participated in a reality show and has already started getting movie offers, and yet no political party is opposing it. I can understand if they're big fans of her, but c'mon guys, opposing stuff is what you were formed for. What happened to the spirit of the Indian Political parties? Just think of this as another Valentine’s Day and go out there.

That reminds me. Not so long ago when the Anna Hazare fire was burning hard inside everyone, I had participated in a morcha. Now yelling slogans is a part of any morcha, and in every morcha there's a main yeller, to whom the rest of the crowd provides chorus. And which slogan is yelled is always at the behest of the main yeller.

So in that morcha, the main yeller was stupid. Maybe that was his first time as the main yeller.

There's a typical Anna slogan which goes:

MAIN YELLER: Anna tum aage badho...

CROWD: Hum tumhare saath hain!

This crow-poop yelled it as follows:

MAIN YELLER: (in one breath, with no voice modulation whatsoever) AnnaTumAageBadhoHumTumhareSaathHain!

CROWD: (looking left-right) Okay!

And then there are morchas where at times there is just one person in the crowd, who doesn't know what to yell back in chorus.

MAIN YELLER: Anna nahi ye aandhi hai

CROWD: Desh ka doosra Gandhi hai.

ONE LOST SOUL IN THE CROWD: Doosre desh ka Gandhi hai!


Honestly speaking, I have till date never seen even a single porno of Sunny Leone, mainly because she does only girl on girl stuff. And in spite of the fact that I am a hundred and twenty percent straight dude, I feel any porn is incomplete without a normal sex scene. I feel lesbian stuff is highly overrated.

The wise philosopher and genuine literature butcher Chetan Bhagat once wrote, ‘All boys watch porn’. And this is a universal fact. It’s very pissing off for us guys when girls bring exceptions to this rule.

BOY: You know all guys watch porn. Like… ALL of them.

GIRL: Yeah I know.

BOY: That includes your brother too.

GIRL: Don’t you talk like that about my brother okay? He will never do such a thing!

If you’re a girl, and if you believe your brother/ boyfriend is a hermit, then here’s a way you can test him. In a conversation, just say this line, ‘you know my friend Priya Rai? She naa…’

If you see even the slightest hint of a smirk on his face, he definitely watches porn. If you don’t, he not only watches porn, but is really good at lying.

The bottom line is, All Boys Watch Porn.

And also, girls, all the “researches” that are published in the papers that guys who watch porn start preferring porn over actual sex is bullshit. We guys live by one motto in life, ‘Porn Jaaye par Virgin na jaaye’

And at times, the stories in these movies are really very interesting. I remember watching a porno once where I actually forwarded the sex scenes to get moving with the story.

I would genuinely like to thank the producers to Big Boss though. They have provided us guys with the perfect alibi for a few weeks.

*Door Locked*

MOTHER: *knock knock* What’re you doing beta?

SON: Watching Sunny Leone maaa.

MOTHER: *to herself* whole day watching Big Boss. Stupid child.

So enjoy watching Sunny Leone people, be it on the TV or on your laptop. 

Thank you, Kalpak, for the brilliant post. As well as insights into...erm... Pria Rai and Sunny Leone who seem to be well-endowed known indeed.  
Now that you've 'lmao-ed', go visit his empty vessel which is anything but empty.


P.S: As much as it seems like it, he did not pay me to write the good bits in the intro:P

44 comments:

  1. bwahahahahahahaha
    its only KP who can up with such stuff and brazenly blabber about it..!!
    roflllll

    @KP..a...for your info...girls watch PAAARANN toooo..khi khi khi ^_^

    @peevee..naaaaiiicee introo..!!!

    loved the post..!!
    cheers!!

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  2. BLOODY HELL! I TOO ROFL-ED at "yes it is her" in unison1 :D
    my mom abrged into the room and asked why i was laughing so loud and breatheless...i had to shoo her away! MAN! kalpak! waaah! apna mardaana aakhir dikha hi diya! :D

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  3. You didn't have to give any of the other things in the intro for us to identify him, PeeVee. Just writing 'Obsessed with his poop' would've been enough. :D

    I did see one episode of Bigg Boss with Sunny Leone in it. No comments. :/

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  4. All hail Priya Rai :P.

    There used to be a Priya Rai Fan Club in my college. Thats not even the best part, it was headed by a girl :D.

    I`m honored that you put my name on the same line as Kalpak's, he is without doubt the God.

    And darn, I dont get sites that stream Big Boss here, cant believe I'm missing out on Sunny Leone.

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  5. ok! it was killer! you're actually the god of humor! :D
    You totally killed it! And, I still haven't done ANY research! Aai shapat! :P :D
    "Doosre desh ka gandhi hai!" and "*Girl in the movie takes off her bra*

    BOTH TOGETHER: Yup, she's the one." were seriously hilarious! You both sounded like Ted and Barney for a second! :P :P

    And PeeVee the intro was so cute and adorable! But handsome? Kuch zyada ho gaya na?? Chal, koi ni! :D :D

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  6. This was such a hilarious post.!
    And yes, all boys watch porn.

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  7. that is suck a Kalpak post :D .. hahaha hilarious dude.. the image is funny n well d morcha doosre desh ka gandhi :P .. hhahaha sunny leone coz of u now d guys can watch porn as and when they like.... ahh what an alibi.. great post :)

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  8. oyee btw where are you women? not ion twitter, not seen u arnd...plus u had to write me a guest post .. is everything okay?

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  9. Lol! :P :P
    wattey 'insight'! :P

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  10. You have immense guts and confidence to speak about porn, peevee! OMG.

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  11. Sunny Leone ka overdose hai already!! Point hai boss! Even politicians seem to love watching her .. I was wondering koi morcha kyun nahi nikla against Bigg boss.. YEa true in India being a porn star will never be looked at as a profession but then they are ppl too at the end of the day..

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  12. Goodness Me...this is a laugh riot! :D

    It was a crime, I wasn't regular at his empty space...

    "And at times, the stories in these movies are really very interesting. I remember watching a porno once where I actually forwarded the sex scenes to get moving with the story."

    He is very good at lying... :D

    Hilarious would be an understatement.. :D

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  13. Absolutely hillarious! I was clutching my sides laughing at the Anna slogans. Nice job!

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  14. frankly i dont find this sunny leone interesting enuf (yes THAT too).wish they learned from their brazillian big bosses :(

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  15. Waah Waah Peevee! :D :D Kya Topic Pakda guest post ke liye Kalpak ne ;) :D Seriously, I was also wondering ki abhi tak kahin se (Our Political Parties...what happened to Thakrey and Advani?)! They are enjoying the show! :D :D And oh! The brother part, sahiiiii! Ekdum Sahi!!! :P :D Kya Baat!!!I saw comments on Yahoo where people were saying Sunny is a shame to the name of Indians - What Farce! Hum Hindustani badey chhupe rustam hain :D :D :D

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  16. Well, I have interviewed someone who worked in UK porn industry. He mentioned, lesbian porn is mostly for women, as per their market research women find lesbian porn more aesthetic. And I do connect with that thought, male nudity is quite odd...

    The post was fun to read :) Cheers Kalpak.

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  17. This was pretty funny. It reminds me as well of Sasha Grey, who used to be a porn star and now wants to be an actress. She's even done some voice overs. Apparently she's pretty good at it too, so she could be one of the first steps, along with Sunny Leone for people taking porn stars seriously as actors. Taking them seriously as people though? That's going to be quite some time.

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  18. hahaha... and he does it again!!! Make us laugh I mean :P
    This was ONE hilarious post! And that "Yes she's the one" OMG! I almost fell off my chair!!
    "Doosre desh ka gandhi hai" ROFL ROFL!
    And yes all guys watch porn.. brothers and boyfriends included. All the girls I know watch porn too! lol!
    Amazing post Kalpak!

    And PeeVee am laughing so hard at the label that you put.. 'kalpak without his thing'. LOL! True that!

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  19. You are going to lose many followers because of this.

    Hahaha. This 'Haha' is an understatement. I am actually bursting out with laughter.

    Awesome post.
    And yes Lesbian stuff is overrated. Even gay shit.

    AndAnd sex stories are really interesting sometimes. Like this one time there was this teacher who was scolding a girl how she wore such short skirts to school. A glimpse of her underwear and it got all things started to the teacher and he OH WAIT. I DIDNT SAY THAT.

    I DONT KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

    OkThanksBye.

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  20. ok peevee has a comment-publish-basis-approval policy here, so when i type this, i see only 16 comments and im gonna reply to them. if this very comment of mine comes after a few more, dont blame me.

    @ Aditi(Meow): Well, not sure about all girls but since u wer dumb enuf to openly admit it, im now sure atleast u do!

    @ akila: arre aunty ko batana tha na. :)
    thanks buddy :)

    @ divya (spaceman): obsessed with poop my foot. because of u and dragon now i make sure i dont use toilet humor. huh.
    thank you :)

    @ atrocious: dude...DATE THAT GIRL!!!!!
    and god thoda zyada ho gaya nai?
    but thanks man :)

    @ paanipuri lover: i was thinkin i'll fake some modesty and say handsome thoda zyada ho gaya. but nonsense, tu apna kaam kar na. jackass.
    and thanks a lot :)

    @ tangerine : thank you :) and true story buddy!

    @ confused soul: baaad typo u made there little one. suck a kalpak post???
    thanks a lot :)

    @ viya: thank you :)

    @ Nia: why u need guts and confidence to speak about porn??

    @ maithili: aah...someone sympathizes with them. :)
    thanks man :)

    @ Kunal: thanks man. and dont tell me u havent ever come across pornos where the story was really gripping! :)

    @ sumitra: :) thank u so much

    @ maniac hunter: true story buddy.

    @ MSM: arre india is full of hypocrits re.
    thank you :)

    @ blunt blogger: aha...now thats interesting trivia! :)
    thanks chintan :)

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  21. OMG Kalpak...where did we start from and where did we come! (no puns intended)

    And "tch, Sunny Leone maaaaa" he set the just-right mood!
    And my god, you are here at your cheekier best...only you could remember a girl by what she appears after just a teeny weenie bit of cloth is removed...and then from Sunny we went to Anna to funny Morchas and that pic! kya cheez ho aap, Prabhu:-)

    Agreed all boys watch porn-and if you are a snooping around sister like me, you would find even bigger scandals waiting to come out of the closet-literally!:-)

    Happy Sunny ogling! And may the awesomeness continue...uske nahi, aapke!:-)

    PeeVee-perfect choice for the guest post...although why do I feel you almost cringed, reading this:-)

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  22. PV your back :D...love the new header :D. Did I ever tell you, your the best at making labels? 'Kalpak without his thing' :P..EPIC ma, EPIC!!! And I don't believe he didn't pay you, not for a nano-second. HE is handsome? When did they change the meaning of that word in the dictionary huh? That Gaytal is one funny dog but 'writes like a pro' who poopy ?...no never :P

    @AS: "All hail Priya Rai"...hmm appa shall hear about this ;P!!!

    @Poop-head:Me and Divs got you the much needed publicity your empty- vessel-with-not-much-noise needed OK, and this is how you repay us? ehsaan fahramosh. Ja iske baad na hoga tera poop, na hogi teri thing!!! The dragon has spoken X-(.

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  23. Woaaaaa....I smiled wide after reading this one....Are u sure All guys....u mean All GUYS WATCH PORN??:p...coz honestly I think my bro doesn't :P....haha...somehow he seems ( I REALLY feel) too nerdy for other things to take out time to watch porn....naah!! I think he might be an exception!!

    and ofcourse why would guys just love porn and not real sex?;)theory ke saath saath practical bhi toh zaroori hai na.....!!!:D lol

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  24. //Sunny Leone, mainly because she does only girl on girl stuff. //

    wrong..she does straight stuff too..since this s a family blog,m not posting the link here..she used to do lesbian stuff only in the beginnin of her career...

    btw sleone s my favourite star...

    peevee..pls correct these factual errors...

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  25. i hav a porn video of sunny leone and a guy....so is it rare??!!:P

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  26. Kalpak, where art thou? I'm out of my depth to answer these questions:P

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  27. Oyeee brilliant post but ek galti hai...
    SHE HAS DONE MANY PORN CLIPS WITH GUYS TOO!! check kario Yes bahut sare
    Now that I have made myself luk like a blot in the face of womanhood, I shall start to compliment u.
    Awesome post re!! Doosre desh ka gandhi hai?? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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  28. @ su: thank u so very much yaar. and yaa even i was wondering wat wud peevee's reaction be after this post. peevee...please reply
    and stop snooping around ur bro su. let him be. :)

    @ dragon: abbe saali...u and divya have spoilt my name everywhere, taggin me as poopy. and ya peevee, wat d hell is kalpak without his thing!!!
    and thank u dragon :) waise tune kuch bhi acha nahi likha hai, but still. i know u liked it :)

    @ aakriti: thank u so very much buddy. and no offense to ur bro, but nerds NEED porn. they watch it too :)
    and well, i agree. practical is must. ;)

    @ nikhimenon: arre tu to personal ho gaya yaar. :D
    i made a mistake here. i know she's doin normal movies now. i meant to say she initially never did. so...ya, my bad :)

    @ gautam: naah...rather its very common ;)

    @ red handed: hawwwww!! i judge u woman. i judge u :D
    and i corrected my error in my reply to nikhimenon
    thanks buddy :D

    @ peevee: poor fellow. u have to bear the brunt in my absence na? :)
    waise bol na...did u think twice before posting this post???

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  29. Ok.So now I know another blogger who writes good humour.:-)

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  30. Ahhhhhh!!!

    Sunny Leone and everyone talking about her!!

    Brilliant post by Kalpak! OMG. I was laughing throughout the post hahahaha. :)

    AWESOMENESS LOL. about the all the guys watching porn thing. lmfao.

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  31. lol, that was funny as sunny ;)

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  32. I have something for you on my blog that can make you smile..check it out!
    http://www.priyankavictor.blogspot.com/

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  33. HAHAHAHAHAHA... gt nothing to say, but an amazing post,

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  34. @peevee i came across Kalpak through your Monday Pitch only. I remember i had clicked the link that day thinking, what the hell is "obssesed with poop" yaar?
    and i also annoyed him for quiet sometime anonymously....hehe..

    @kalpak- you havent watched sunny leone porn?... yeah right..
    this post also made me realise that girls, atleast all blogger girls, watch porn. I'll have to do my research on Priya Rai though :D

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  35. I watched one episode where Sunny Leon was contemplating revealing her 'reel' identity to Pooja Bedi. I don't know if she did...

    Kalpak, cool post as usual!

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  36. @ Rahul: who was the first one?
    and thanks man :)

    @ sonshu: thank u so much :)

    @ smita: hope u mean deol. :D
    thanks man.

    @ theothersideofme: you jus linked peevee's blog back. drunk? :D

    @ Adi: thanks buddy :)

    @ Kara: Sssssshhhhhhh!!!! Do not reveal this. i like having a mysterious anonymous secret admirer ;)
    thank u so much but.

    @ peevee: thanks a lot for the monday pitch. u unknowingly gave me a secret admirer :)

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  37. hilarious stuff.. loved reading it But seriously I did not know about this girl, I dont watch porn now it seems so am out of touch :) he he he
    moreover me too very much straight :)

    ANd I have not seen big boss too NOW i definitely need to subscribe to indian channels Missing some excitement there ME :)

    brilliant post made me smile

    Bikram's

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  38. @kalpak and peevee
    Owh shitttttttttttt..yes i was drunk i guess :P

    peevee..something awaits you on my blog..sorry guys me a dumb head as usual :/

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  39. bwaahahahaha.... :P :P :D

    H I L A R I O U S :) :) Dude.... sooooper post :)

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  40. hehehe... KP strikes again! But you stood your ground too, Choc-obsessed!! Liked your intro and your signoff too!

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  41. @ Bikramjit: Duuuuuude. Download NOW!!

    @ theothersideofme: he he...happens buddy.

    @ Sunil: thanks buddy :)

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  42. Thanks to all those peeps who thought bringing him over was a good idea, I know, he's THE God of Toilet Humor:P

    @ AS, she's not that hot ok?:P

    @ Kalpak, it was KARISHMA:D I should have known:P The 'kara' did ring a bell long time back:P

    And nope, never thought twice but I did wonder what I'd tell my mother if she sees it during one of her snoop fests;P

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  43. @ Pinx, thanks:) and sachi, he didn't pay me:P Yes madame I have been back for some time now.

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