04 November, 2011

Theatre Goers - A Case Study

As a human being of the 21st century who is economically okay-ish enough to have some form of a computer + a decent net connection and literacy enough to be reading and writing blogs, I think it’s a safe assumption to make that you, Mr. /Ms. /Mrs. Reader, have gone to the movies and watched your favorite hero spread his arms/take his shirt off/deliver dialogues at Wile E. Coyotespeed.

You have been charmed (or not) by dialogues the likes of “Dawaon ki nahi, duaon ki zaroorat hai” and “Yeh shaadi kabhi nahi ho sakti!”

You have paid anywhere between 80 to 500 INR to see people prance around trees, heroines play teachers while wearing a bikini blouse (which flies off her shoulder every 4th second), goondas beat up a non-damageable hero and witnessed miracles in the form of non-extinguishable diyas (lamps) and come off with a smile after the unsahikable (unbearable) amounts of first class entertainment you got treated to.

Hold your horses, this is not another RA.ONE review (which might be bleh but SRK still is awesome, but we’ll abuse each other on that in another post).
I’m talking about the awesomeness of theaters. No takers? Oh come on.

One of my hobbies is people watching. No, it’s not a new hobby that I just added because suddenly everybody seems to love people watching (makes me wonder if the girl I’m ‘watching’ is ‘watching’ me back because that would just be creepy). I have unconsciously watched people for years now and most of the stories (in my head and on the blog) are inspired by people around me, characters I have picked up on train journeys, buses, while shopping, malls, public toilets (yes!) and even KFC.

I digress.
The point being that when I go to watch a movie in a theatre (which is kinda rare because I’m a lazy, spoilt ass who prefers watching movies on her laptop because she can skip the songs, fast forward the heroines cleavage show and watch the whole thing in 1.5x mode just because it’s fun to see them scuttle around that fast:P), I spend more time watching the movie-goers, the people. Waste of money, you say? Nope, it’s far more entertaining than the Saif Ali Khan Pataudi (a title which I’m entirely sure weighs heavy on his rather empty head) doing bhangra to impress his shy(?) yet-to-be beau, to say the least.

Anyway, I have endeavored to classify a few types of theatre goers:

1) The newlyweds: Self-explanatory. They are a dying breed, ones that say ‘chal picture dekte hain’ as a form of bonding after an arranged marriage. This trip is one on the list which reads: movie, beach, Khandala... you get the point. The lady is usually highly decorated adorned complete with the red chudiyan (bangles) and the mehendi is still intact. They come, sit there, talk to each other intermittently and then leave. The most de-yaaaawwwwwn-cent ones.

2) The couple with the kid/baby: This is the kind which has the child screaming/bawling at the top of its voice throughout the span of the movie, INCLUDING the interval. It.Just.Never.Stops.Crying.
If you’re the kind who doesn’t like to say anything, after some time, you can actually feel your ears wilt from all the pressure. WILT.

Don’t get me wrong, I love kids. I really do. But I truly believe from the depths of my heart that parenting skills is an art not many people care to learn.  How difficult is it to have a happy baby? (I’m not judging here without any experience, I have a sister who’s 10 years younger than me and I used to babysit her ALL the time) How difficult is it to keep it comfortable and to dress up a BABY in some comfortable clothes and not leggings and a blingy kurta (trust me, I have seen one)? How difficult is it to LEAVE the kid home for he/she is TOO YOUNG to watch a goddamn movie? Why foist your choice on the kid? Why ever?

3) The Couple: Now these can be further divided into three sub-categories-
a) The Barely-Legal Gropers: We all know these kinds, the ones who skip school and college and spend the whole day at the theatre, feeling each other up and leave thinking nobody noticed when they were wriggling around in their seats.
b) The College/Working Couple: They hold each other’s hand throughout, maybe sneak an occasional smooch, thoroughly enjoy themselves, whisper sweet-nothings for solid two and a half hours and yet manage to actually watch the movie and are entirely and completely oblivious to every single soul around.

c) The Older Couple: I strongly suspect they come out of habit than anything else. The wife walks a few steps behind the husband; they bring snacks from home in a tiffin carrier and don’t exchange one single word the whole time except to answer each other’s questions.
(Ironically, they seem to portray three stages of a relationship, don’t they:D)

4) The Fan Males: They are the ones who make business for the theatre owners for they are there almost every day bunking college, purchase the cheapest tickets and dance with their shirts off during the song sequences. More often than not, they are part of fan clubs of actors as well.

5) The Gang Of Girls: The highly dressed up, made-up bunch with their totes and high heels and trademark gum-and-shades-perched-on-head, Sex-and-the-city types, who laugh loudly, whistle to prove they are as koothara (I need help with the translation here) as the guys, make eyes at the hot guys, come back with HUGE Cokes after the interval, comment on every single person around including the guy who tears the stub, and generally leave the aftermath of a ruckus, a faint whiff of Chanel No:5 and Blue Lady and sometimes, a few hard ons.

6) The Office Bunch: Friends from the office, a mixed bunch, watch the movie, have conversations about office ‘chicks’, project deadlines and make ‘bleddy boss’ jokes. Very fun to watch especially if there are two hot girls in the party; the group dynamics sizzle, if you know to read them well:P

7) The Fancy Pants': The rich kids who come in cars and FZ bikes, the ones everybody stares open mouthed; at the bare legs of the girls and at the shades of the guys (they look good with them on; unlike locals who look like a stoned, sun-burnt Mika on a bad hair day or Santhosh Pandit, if you don't know who he is, Google him but at your own risk). They talk loudly, make crass jokes. The most awesome part about this group is that they have SO many good-looking guys ;P 

8) The Mallu Merpeople: Another gang, very similar to the aforementioned. They talk in Malayalam about the ‘pandis’ not knowing that Malayalam is not undecipherable to the locals and unaware of the glares of those who do understand. And they usually get a lot of puffs and samosas rather than popcorn.

And hence I conclude, leaving to your interpretation the rest of the types. Next time you head over to the multiplex, watch.

P.S: I have linked relevant pictures for my non-Indian readers like Hazel and Mark, this is our Bollywood in all its glory for you guys and we are SO proud of them despite the jokes:D
P.P.S: In spite of all the snide comments I make, I’m a sucker for movies, English AND Hindi.
P.P.S.S: Does anybody know how to kick a corporate’s ass? Reliance, to be specific.
P.P.P.S.S: I skipped a Monday Pitch and The Month That Was in honor of the birthday post, nobody noticed? Boo-hoo.


  1. Funny post PeeVee...I must say some of these are new to me. For instance, have never seen the Fan Male...but then again, haven't gone to see a Bollywood movie in yonks! Couples with babies?? What is wrong with them?! As if the baby is going to make sense of the movie? One that I have noticed especially during school holidays is the group of children with maybe one or two parents...they can be loud!! And after working with kids, I prefer not going to a movie where there are a bunch of them...not in my down time! :P

    I did notice by the way that 'the month that was' wasn't there but just thought you may write it later.

  2. I have seen all the people mentioned and have even been part of one or more of the groups mentioned. Thankfully not the newly married couple one. I never could stand those couples who come in as if they are a walking jewellery.
    I haven't yet dared to take my kid out for a movie yet fearing the above mentioned outcomes .Might take him out for the next 3D kids movie though. Have definitely been a part of 5, 6 and 3b, may be even 8, though I don't think I usually offend any locals..:)
    Very nice post. Made me think.. :)

  3. Firstly, No fair, I don't seem to be fitting into any category.

    Keep going at this rate and you can Social Scientist to your resume very soon and rightly so.

    Reliance has been warranting an ass whack from my end too, please give them my share of the whacking as well when you give them yours.

  4. the group 2 and the group 5 are the ones which i find the most irritating.the fan boys are okay,its actually fun to watch them doing all that....
    btw even yu have started blogging about 'Santhosh Pandit'....wt.....!

  5. Good one. classifications are exactly true.And I sheepishly admit that i belong to the 'mallu merpeople' category. he he.
    and yeah Mr.Pandit's pix that you have shared is comparatively less horrible than his usual form. :))

  6. Aww, damn right you are! Oh and the types (guy-seated-next-to-you), who keep looking at you while you try to watch the movie... :P Annoying.

    Loved the categorization. Good work! :D

  7. I couldn't stop nodding at every sentence in this post! Even I was thinking when did people watching became such a stylish hobby ! I have been doing it for like ages and its major inspiration for stories!
    It really gets on my nerves when parents bring their infants to movies! First of all they are scared of the dark and yes I have seen those uncomfy clothes on them too..

    Newly weds hahah true true! The mehendi and red bangles are so common na!!

    Then theirs also this fun gang of guys who pass fun comments on each dialogue that even if the movie is boring, their comments make it bearable!They are mood lifters :P

    Very well classified madame :D

  8. Lol you've done a mighty good job of classifying the people man.. Koothara .. hahah :P .. I can't even think of a translations.. It's perfect that way, no? :P .. And yes we've all come across these species.. Loved this post.. had me giggling throughout :D ..

    P.s. your posts are so awesome that we didn't notice the Monday pitch was amazing..shollllyyy :)

  9. Ooh...I was the first to comment! Haven't been the first ever on your blog...and haven't been the first for a long time on any...

  10. Hahahahahah.
    I swear I couldn't stop laughing. I'm in tears here. LOL. Oh and what about the type that are all over each other at kids movies? I remember once, at Horton...there was this couple right next to us and they were literally doing it. GOSH. :/ Yeah it can be very interesting in life. :)

    Loveee the case study.

  11. Couples with babies and couple-grope-a-lot are the worst. But I hate the ones that come alone and text throughout the movie!!
    Happens to me a lot! And I hate it!!!!!! :\

    *mutters really bad gaalis*

    Funny post and I almost stopped going to movies to avoid the loud hooting and insane baby crying that has really multiplied. :\ Must watch a movie in a theatre! :D

  12. ha ha ! that was funny..People watching is a rewarding passtime,really.

  13. People watching in the mall is equally fun! Once when I went to the movies with a couple of my friends we spent the whole two hours watching the couple in front of us be all coy and then sneak in a kiss or two. It was SO much more fun than the movie!

    Talking about kids in weird outfits, I've seen a toddler wear a pink jatang GOWN with a VEIL perched on top of her head. IN A RESTAURANT.

    Parents need to go for some 'Fashion for Babies' course when they are expecting!

  14. hahaha..that was like reallyy masstt Peevee..:)

    i swear..lol..people come to movies all decked up and all as if its some big party or something..!!

    keep writing like this...loved it


  15. PeeVee!!! Am back!!!
    First of all I hope you and your man had an awesome time on his birthday :) I loved the post you dedicated to him.

    And I am GLAD you can access your blog again... What if it had disappeared? Imagine that! Ha! Scary thought!

    Aaannnd coming to this post... people watching is my single most favorite passtime/hobby/obsession.
    LOL! This was really good! And its so annoying when you are seated right next to the barely-legal-gropers. Bah! I was forced to change my seat to avoid them so many times!

  16. niceeee.... :) Could not find my category.. I think it is coz I have been to theatre like 4 times in my lifetime.. But my aunt who had taken her son to theatre had to come out of the movie hall half way through the movie.. and the gang of girls with intense perfumes.. I call them walking scent bottles.. :) :)

  17. dai..!!! Lal salaam :D am byack you see..!!! hehehehhehehehhe bery bery in sighting wala post saghave..!! i loved it, especially the classification done very precisely.
    there is are few additions according to me based on my experience.

    1. the movie spoilers. they sit next to you and explain whats going to happen in th next scene..
    eg, in a horror flick you hear " arey gadha hai dekh, ab peeche se bhoot aake maarega use"
    one can kick/kill friends but some random people never shut their mouth.

    2. the cell phone receivers. few people never keep their cell switched off in a theater nor in silent. worse it rings loud, he picks it up then and there and is yelling at the top of his voice..!!! if not calls, he will be texting somebody and the cell phone light in a dark theater is quite irritating.

    3. the walkers : some people never have a control over their bladder or have to get a quick snack, smoke or cola refill. these people keep walking along the disturbing your comfort of watching the movie. especially this is where you miss the one good funny scene of the movie n stuffs.

    4. the what people : this group of people will be among your friends who dint understand what just happened on the screen. they blink, yawn, sleep or something happens due to which they miss out on a dialog and they HAVE to I MEAN HAVE TO know what that was immediately and nothing less than a complete explanation suffices. this often results in you missing out the next 3 scenes in return and asking the person sitting next to you what happened ?? :D

    those were from my experience :D :D

    cheers..!! :)

  18. this noticing-people-wherever-you-go thing..it fills me up with malaise when people practice it on me...but offcourse you have described about the folks least concerned if someone is noticing them :D

  19. of all the category, the couples with their new-borns are the ones that annoy me the most. Anyhow the babies aren't gonna watch the movie and if they cant leave the babies at their homes n dont wanna be away from them, y come to the theater in the 1st place.

    And I think I belong to the Fan males, though I dont dance with my shirts off n am not a fan of any particular star. But I do like to Whistle, shout, comment and Laugh out loud. And not to forget that we do check out all the Hot n Not-so-hot chicks. Aftr al we need to get our money's worth...;p

  20. @ PB, thanks:)Oh, you should see them, you'll be left wondering whether to be amused or exasperated by their antics.
    Exactly my point!! They just annoy people aorund, have no fun themselves and rarely even watch the movie properly.
    And yes, you were:) It's an rare honor for me then:)

    @ Sunitha, jewelry showrooms, that they are:D
    Then you're one of the few sensible parents:)
    If it's a kids movie and they'll enjoy it, then it makes sense because the kid will enjoy in and so will we:)

    @ AS, office group? It can be manipulated into being a college group as well:)
    And will do:P

    @ nikhimenon, :P yeah, sometimes.
    Oh he warrants an entire post, but I'm not sure people will start unfollowing me for it:P

    @ Jane Doe,:P
    I couldn't find a more crappy picture and I was in a hurry to post:P Maybe I did him a favor:D

    @ Pradeeta, oh, how I love saying your name:)
    The droolers, I should have said:D
    Thank you:)

    @ Em, I'm gonna call you Em from now:)
    :) I know, right!! And suddenly it's the 'in' thing-_-
    :) Thank you..

    @ Shreya, it is:P no substitute:P

    @ Sonshu, thanks:) And they'll prolly fall under the gropers category na...

    @ Srinidhi, they truly are... Along with the theatre side romeos... People come alone to movies? o_0 I haven't seen those...
    Me too actually:P It's too comfy at home to go all the way to the theatre:D

    @ Bhargavi, thank you. It is:)

    @ Zarine, LOL:P Seriously? The whole two hours?
    Egggh, what's wrong with the parents, I say.
    True, that.

    @ meoww, thanks:) yes, they do:D

    @ Chandana, welcome back you MIA person-_-
    Thank you:) *blush*
    If it had disappeared, I'd have killed myself for sure o_O
    And yes, they are SO annoying and they think other people don't know.

    @ Arpitha, LOL, walking scent bottles:D Good one...

    @ Prithvi, lal salaam-_- depression okke over?
    :P Thank you...
    LOL, your classification are better, I should say... That's a whole post in itself:D
    And I'm sometimes part of the what people:P

    @ A grain of sand, exactly:P creepy it is:D But yes, these kinds don't really care.. Or rather don't notice me giving them surreptitious glances:D

    @ Kanthu, it's like they are joined at the hip and are intent on torturing the poor baby.
    :P LOL, you admit...

  21. Depression ?? When wat who ??? :D Hehehehehe.. Yup.. The answer to that on why and how i got over it is in the comment section of my post..!! Am sooper fine now.. Back in action..!! Heeeeehaaaa...!! :D:D

  22. haha ! That was one funny posts !
    I prefer watching movies on the laptop too.. Not that I watch too many but yeah.. It's convenient that way..
    The categories are so apt ! I wanted to keep nodding at everything I read !
    So awesome !:D

  23. I must say I fit into the 3b category, though the smooches have now been replaced by watching other movie goers...I hate the yellers....I single mindedely hate them...they yell into the phone, their love for each other, their reprimands for their litter...argh...I turn around and keep giving them ugly stares, I've got biiiiiig eyes and in the dark they can be quite scary, but no these buffalo skinned people jus ignore me like a fly!!!I wanna kick the butt of those reliance honcho's too...there is bloody nothing to rely on...the stupid datacard didn't connect the whole time yesterday and I was super-duper bugged!

  24. Funny but very very true post!!!I love observing people and I prefer watching movies on the lap rather than in theatres (though I am dying to watch the Twilight movie :D)!!! And yes, I agree with a lot of the different types of people!!

  25. 1. I am 100% sure that WAS NOT an SRK movie! :D

    2. U are a bad bad girl! not giving privacy to those sneaky people! :P

    3. You speak the truth my dear!
    4. Next time if I am in town TAKE ME WITH YOU! :D I wil contribute some awesome pics of the above to ur blog :D

  26. hahah apt categorization!!! Ans SANTOSH pANDIT!! Sombody shud kill this guy i TELL U!!!
    Sry for commenting late!

  27. Hahaha, now this was real fun. Al categories are very true and very much in existence. I myself have been a part of the few, I won't divulge which ones though ;)

    And Santhosh Pandit? Who on earth is he? Made me screech so loud that my entire floor stopped to stare. No kidding :(

    P.S: You can add one more category that is, the ones who always keep their phones in ringing in the loudest tone mode :)

    so damn true!
    Brilliaaant the categorization was :D
    Santosh Pandit :S But I'm not googling him :p
    Take care

  29. :) funny post .. I am still trying ot figure out which one do i fall into ..

    and what about the ones with mobile fones .. and have to constantly check something , the light comes on very distracting :)


  30. Hahahahah! Firstly, apologies for missing on your blog. I am the user of the suckiest net connection in the city, no country, no world, no universe. ARGH :|
    Anyway, its been my dream to write a post on the losers of varied kinds you can find in theaters and this is JUST my impression of it! :D specially this couple who insists on getting a corner seat and then do everything except watching the film! Uf. And there are those with cell phones, all the conversations that they'd make in the world are now .. and some of them with incredibly funny ringtones too! and oh yea, the bunch of those who sit next to you and are more interested in your conversations :S Had this guy sitting next to us in HP-7 who guffawed at all our jokes. Well, entertainment for him :S

  31. PeeVee, My Lady, I loved to hear my name! :D :D Yes, the Droolers!

  32. amazing sense of observation girl!
    and couple classification mein to philosophy keh daale*clap,clap*

    the gang of girls and gropers are so much fun to watch-though they kinda leave you with a bitter taste in the mouth sometimes-why do all those have fun who don't deserve it?

  33. Peevee...this was so amazing. The V photo made it more awesome.
    You know, whenever I eat chocolate, it always reminds me of your blog.
    I guess many people must have said this to you.
    Good one.

  34. I belong to the 'gang of girls' group most of the times...but our gang is a lil different although dare I denying the hooting and loud comments part :P

    Btw, quite an interesting classification u got there.


  35. Last time I was at a theater there was a gang of girls. I'm not sure if two girls counts as a gang really but their incessant giggling kind of annoyed me. I don't really like the theater too much. I came to watch a movie, not hear people. It was awful when I went to see the first Pokemon movie at one because everyone kept doing the Mew voice.

  36. Commenting late! Still. Chalega na?

    You forgot the category I come in! :P
    The gang of girls, who come on activa, crack awesome jokes, eat loads of popcorn, drink lots of cola and check out all the awesome guys! :P

    Also, we whistle when the hot villain takes off his shirt, which is very less! :P :P :D

  37. I refused to be categorised! lol. Although, I easily fall into a lot of the categories. These film makers keep churning typical, run-of-the-mill movies and we fall for it? It ain't happening! My roomate went for mausam and then Ra-one. He won't be going for any movie for a long while now! LOL.

  38. @ Prithvi KG child, issue resolved:P

    @ Priyanka Kamath, thanks:D

    @ Pinx, LOL, me too a teeny bit actually..
    Oh my girl, chill:D far too many thoughts.

    @ Deepthi, why Twilight?

    @ Akila, you have disappeared-_-
    1. GAHAHA?
    2. :P privacy? In a theatre? PFFFT.
    3. Thank you:D
    4. DO come:) Pliss.

    @ Red, KILL? He should be subject to slow torture.

    @ Soumya, thanks:P
    All of us have:P How do you think I know so much;P
    Google/YouTube him. Seriously. But be prepared for some class action before.

    @ Blahblaholic, thanks:P
    You should, very good entertainment *evil laugh*

    @ Bikramjit, yes, the phonewales are missing as many people have pointed out:P

    @ Cяystal, lets start a club of we-have-shitty-internet together.
    Egh, creepy, not to say loser-ish.

    @ MSM, :P

    @ Suruchi, :P thanks Myadam:D
    LOL, trust you to lok at the other side of things.

    @ Uruj, thanks:)
    They have:) I'm the official promoter of chocolate now:P Companies should start paying me:D

    @ subtlescribbler,:D

    @ Mark, no Mark, two don't count as a gang:P
    But yes, all outseiders who don't know the reasons for giggling get annoyed, hold true for other girls as well.
    Ugh, I can imagine.

    @ Paanipuri Lover, chalega ni daudega:P yes, I love cliches.
    All those qualities are applicable to the gang of girls milady:D

    @ rosun, to each his own:D
    Sorry, but what's the connection though?

  39. Is people watching the euphemism you guys have for drooling at hot guys? :P

  40. Good one and exhaustively summarized.

  41. An old post, but I loved it.. totally made my day! :) You might want to consider dropping on my blog for little while and read the most recent post. Maybe that'll justify my liking this old post especially.. I've tagged your blog BTW, hope its not an issue?!


Whatchu thinkin'?