Traffic 101

So, I have been on the roads since I got my LLR almost a decade back (gosh, I'm old!:O) and what I love about this country and the cities I have ridden in is their complete lack of respect for any kind of traffic rules. That's what makes the roads so organized and driving/riding such a pleasure not to mention a breeze for beginners to learn and complete lack of accidents and mishaps. And there are never ever ever EVER any traffic jams anywhere in the country at all, especially not in Mumbai and Bangalore. Hats off to us!!

 

So I'm proceeding to list out a few pointers for all those who drive/ride on any Indian road.

10_ Learn to use the horn. Honk liberally. So what if the signal is red and the person in front is as stuck as you are. SIT ON THE GODDAMN HORN. The louder, the longer, the better. And if someone gives you a dirty look for honking too much, honk straight into their face.

9_ At signals, when you need to turn left, make sure that you inch in from the extreme right, as far away from the turning as possible. And when the light turns green, cut off an entire road full of vehicles to get to the other side.

8_ Bully all vehicles smaller than yours. If you're in a Sumo, edge the Activa guy off the road even when you have space. If you're on an Activa, honk the living daylights out of the cyclist and give him a very disgusted look as you pass by. He has no right, riding that piece of junk in this motorized world.

7_ Women drivers/riders are the best in the world. Maa kasam. And the entire world is on our side; nobody checks our licenses, we can drive/ride exactly as we please, overtake left right and centre, road rules gaye bhaad main and all that we need to get out of trouble is a few tears, heartfelt apologies and eye flutters, we can get away with even killing the black buck.

6_ NEVER ever let the other guy pass. Who cares if you have space enough for an elephant to perform a ballet, its a matter of your pride that you don't let him pass. Sonofabitch can wait for his wife's delivery.

5_ Don't bother investing in a helmet; why waste 800 odd bucks (that too for cheap ones) for one bulky, ugly helmet just to mess up your perfect hair. Ensuring that your perm or gelling remains intact is more important than preventing your brains from being splattered.

4_ Take off all the rear view mirrors on your vehicle, they are pretty useless anyway and don't really add to the sleek look, especially if its a bike.

3_ Always, ALWAYS overtake other vehicles as per your convenience. You own the road, have that confidence in your heart as you overtake that stupid car from the left as the bus overtakes him from the right. Or, you could yourself one better and overtake on ghat roads or hair pin bends at high speed as well. Like they say, speed thrills.

2_ In a traffic jam, compete with 25 other people to be the first to get out of there. Doesn't really matter that if you hold on for another five minutes, the entire jam itself can be sorted out - you HAVE to be the first one to leave, no matter what.

1_ And my personal favorite - When an ambulance has its lights on and is wailing, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT let it pass under any circumstances. You getting to the movies on time is more important than the guy within who's losing brain and body function. But if the ambulance somehow does manage to sneak past you, ensure that you stay right behind it and let it clear the traffic for you, because there are some morons on the road who'll actually let the ambulance pass. HAHA, the fools.

And as much as possible, be high, one way or the other, when you drive. Enhances your driving skills.

P.S: I think now that, if I die prematurely, it might just not be of over indulgence but because my BP will spike causing a heart attack when I'm shaking my fist at someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about road rules which exist for a reason. 

 P.P.S: Please get the sarcasm, it all sounds very wrong if you don't get the sarcasm. 

 

Oh, Is 15 August Independence Day or the other one.. kya naam hai.. Republicans Day?

The following are my opinions alone and I'm no expert of any sort,  feel free to disagree but don't expect me to feel any differently unless you have indisputable proof otherwise.

Here I sit on the eve of my country’s 65^th (?) Independence Day, preparing for a flag-hoisting and my sister’s book release and all I can think of is how cheap Airtel can get for charging for texts tomorrow.

Angrezon se toh aazaadi mil gayi par in cheapskates’ ke ab bhi ghulam hain.

Anyway, I was wondering what we have so much to celebrate and be proud about. Ok fine, chalo, granted that after ghor parishram and all, our freedom fighters dilaofied azaadi for our supposedly great nation, but wasn’t that, like, eons back?

I don’t get the point.

It’s not like we youngsters care about the Lokpal bill or how the Government is doing everything to prevent it from being passed (which itself makes the whole thing smell worse than a week-old-fish).

It’s not like we know who the newly-appointed naval chief is nor does it matter in our lives.

We don’t know what our national flower is or the national bird. Nor do we know that we even have a national animal. What difference does it make to us?

It’s not like we give a damn whether the Mumbai blasts (at least the most recent ones) have been solved. It’s always been easier to just blame Pakistan (mainly the Prez, who gives a blind bat’s backside what Pakistani people are like or how we almost became bhai-behens) and let it all blow over.

It’s not like we like wearing Khadi or eat desi-produce. *Puke*. We don’t mind shelling out three grand for a pair Levi’s or 500 bucks for a ‘bucket’ of chicken; they are obviously better and most certainly not down-market like Indian-made goods. Shresht kurtis, pani puris and golas toh out of question not to say unhygienic.

It not like forwards making fun of our country fellows is not funny. They are so damn funny, we send it to everyone we have ever known or met in the last decade.

It’s not like we are going to live here, in the slums and the dust and the dirt, without any air-conditioning (God forbid!) when we can live as second-rate citizens in the U.S or U.K or anywhere else in first class. So what if India needs the new technology and development that we come up with more than them. Everything is better there. Chicks, food, lifestyle, clothes, papers, schools, roads, offices, shopping… EVERYTHING.

And we’ll cheer Danny Boyle on when he highlights the worst part of our nation on an international platform and takes home Oscars for it. And we’ll also wait till Pookutty wins an Oscar to Google and find out who he is.

It’s not like we’d remember to pick up one piece of waste paper or used Pepsi can from near our feet to save India’s environment, the whole country is full of muck anyway. This one bit is not going to make any difference. We won’t turn off our taps when we brush our teeth, ‘cause we like the continuous flow of water down the drain. Besides, conservation is for tree-huggers.

It’s not like we disagree with NRI’s returning and complaining about forgetting how ‘Last-

Century’ India is, how we *still* don’t have health insurance.

Not like we love Afzal and Zalima and Stephen and Katy the same way we love Karthik and Aanchal. They will always be them.

Not like we care if our girls are beaten up in pubs, raped on trains and killed when they are just fetuses. As long as we can get away with our shortest pair of Lilou shorts and tightest pair of Reebok tees, we don’t care. We will get married gowns and forsake Kancheevarams’ and Benaras’. We’ll choose pencil skirts over half-saris. The first women speaker does not evoke even an iota of interest in us.

It’s not like we love our country, not like we’d do anything for it, not like it matters who calls India and Indians what names. It’s not like we vote to make things better. Not like our being the WC champions with the Indian Flag flying at the forefront (even before the Australian one) matters since they screwed the last game up. Not like we say ‘Saare jahaan se accha, Hindustan hamara’ and mean it. Not like we tear up with bristling pride or even stand every time we hear the Jana Gana Mana.  

We will live-in together, cheat on our spouses, breast-pump our milk for our children and make deep-cut blouses a way of life. Getting drunk and being stupid are awesome. Getting high on weed is even 'kewler'. Emulating Paris Hilton and Rihanna help us find who we are and kitty parties are more important than annual days.

We are proud of our State, its language, our homes, the rich history our family and ancestors have. We are proud of our friends, our dads, our lives and careers. We are proud of our nephew’s first steps, our promotion, our laptops and mobiles. What’s there to be proud of our nation.

So let’s not make a big fuss, pretend to be willing to die for our nation for one day in a year, eat sweets they give us after flag-hoisting in silence and go back to our Vampire Diaries and Grey’s Anatomy with our traps shut tight.

Let’s not fake-love India. She deserves much better. 

And happy Independence day to us.

P.S: I'm the one who sobbed from sheer emotion when the WC 11 stood in a line with their hands on their chests and lipped the national anthem. The one who picks up all the chest-pin-flags off the ground when 15 August celebrations are over. The one who never has voted till now for lack of will to vote for useless people. Life has made me cynical.

But I'll always be the one who does, and forever will, take great pride in being an Indian first and then a human being.